I’m not crazy….I’m Just Highly Sensitive

For as long as I can remember I have been an emotional person. I remember being a little girl (around 4) and seeing a bird on the sidewalk that got hit by a car, I started crying. When my mom and grandfather would take me hunting with them….I cried when they shot the deer (but he was good eating). My mom called me her “Tender heart Carebear.” A song, a commercial, a situation, a jab, a traumatic experience could set off those emotions. It would not have to be a situation that I was involved in; if it happened to other people I was equally emotional that they were going through something.

For years, I was always told by many people, “you are just being too sensitive.” I knew I was I acknowledged that early on in my life. The problem is I didn’t know how to stop it. For me everything was magnified 100 times. My wheels were always turning inside my head. Whether it was something creative, a situation, or whatever was going on at the time.

I am sort of an outgoing person. I love to be around people, interacting with them. As a teenager my friends and I would be at parties, out with friends. I could be the life of the party, but then I would find myself backing off. Even then I would state it was sensory overload. There would be times I just had to step back and take a break.

June 13, 2010 my husband broke the news that he wanted out of our marriage. “I can’t do this anymore.” For 13 years I had loved him, stood by him, and supported him every way I could. Then I found out not only did he want out of the marriage, the reason he wanted out was he found someone else and had been in a relationship with her for quite some time. Everything was my fault. I didn’t do this, I didn’t do that. To say his words were not like a 50 pound sledge hammer coming down on me would be a lie. He never understood me. How could he, when I didn’t even understand myself? Yes it was him that would make me cry a lot in our marriage. I cried a lot in our marriage.

From the time we got married our marriage in one word was “constant.” Within our first year, we were married, had a baby and moved to Japan. I knew my husband and I were different and had different personalities. The problem I saw years later was-- I was more accepting of his personality, than he was of mine.

I have always considered myself a strong individual. For as long as I can remember, I have had a determination that a lot of people do not have. My mom referred to me as the “little engine that could.” When I was 5 I was challenged by a family friend’s boy that he could chop down a tree faster than I could, as we all walked through the forest. Because I was so young I had the dullest hatchet….and of course the teenage boy picked a bigger tree for me. Imagine his surprise when the 5 year old with a dull axe chopped down “her” tree before him. He sulked for days on that one.

In retrospect I can honestly see how my husband would get frustrated with me. I told him he sees black and white; and I see colors. His personality does not allow for him to see a marriage can be rebuilt, a person can actually continue to stay married to a partner that has cheated on them. I didn’t walk away when I found out he cheated on me. He couldn’t understand it. He actually told me, “I know you can’t, because I wouldn’t be able to.” To him that is in fathomable that I could forgive him, and continue to love him and be his wife. Remember for me things are magnified 100 times. I can be the most loving person and when you make me mad I can be someone’s worst enemy. I personally think he got scared because I actually let him have…and hear my anger, disappointment, hurt, pain that I was feeling for what he did. The flip side to the coin as much as I was these negative emotions, I had positive emotions running parallel. That may not make sense to most people. Half the time it doesn’t even make sense to me. I am who I am.

I recall telling my ex… “you jump; I think,” just a few short weeks ago. I was constantly blamed for “thinking” too much. In his mind, I never reacted. I can admit that often times I think too much to the point it can be almost paralyzing. Contrary to what he may call me or think of me, I do owe him some thanks. Even though I personally think he jumps too much, his jumping taught me something. Sometimes I need to jump. There are certain scenarios where we cannot think, we must jump into situations. The problem I was made to feel there was something wrong with me. So I took on his jumping modes and curbed the thinking. When you try to be someone you are not, it eventually catches up with you; throwing it under the rug only causes the mounds to get higher.

What have I learned? It’s not about whether people accept me for who I am, it’s about me accepting who I am. We have always heard to love others we must love ourselves. It’s very true. I’m learning to live with me, and finding ways to curb the sensory overload.

Things to Curb the Sensory Overload:

Writing - for as long as I can remember writing brings calm to me. While writing is a creative aspect for me as well, I have learned to just write without thinking.

Downtime – Life doesn’t stop, but I need downtime. Being a mother, wife (ex-wife), co worker, friend, daughter, niece, aunt, individual, brings on a lot of sensory overload. Sitting on the back deck enjoying coffee, reading a book, doing absolutely nothing helps me, even just sitting on the couch gives me that recharge I personally need. One of the problems in our marriage was my ex called me lazy when I didn’t jump up and do things right away. Hind sight...my downtime would come at the most inopportune time for him and our family.

Meditation – this is something that is a challenge for me, but I am up for the challenge. My mind is never quiet. In the past month I decided let me give meditation a try. I have this little app on my Smartphone and sometimes before bed I will play it. Visualize you are sitting next to a pond and a leaf is floating by…do not reach for the leaf…just watch the leaf slowly float by. During meditation thoughts will come to your mind….the trick is to just let them float by. The moment you go to touch the leaf in the calm still pond, you create a ripple in the water. When you allow your mind to interact with a thought that comes to your mind you are doing the same thing, creating a ripple. With meditation comes learning to take deep breaths.

For the longest time I would laugh at people who did meditation. Now I make it a point to implement it every day. Since doing meditation before bed, I have had the best night sleeps ever. From the time I was a kid I could never go right to sleep, my mind would race. Sometimes I would be up two hours after bedtime and my mind was still racing. Counting sheep never worked. Why? Because I was so busy chasing the thoughts that would come to mind. I had a whole bunch of ripples in my pond. If a child goes through this, can you imagine what that child who turns into an adult goes through? My mother always said “you are the child that carries the weight of the world on your shoulders.” As an adult the world got a lot heavier.

Acceptance – I have always accepted who I am to a certain degree. Society puts a lot of pressure on people. If you do not act this way, you aren’t normal. If you don’t feel this, you aren’t normal. If you do not react this way, something is wrong with you. I am now no longer fighting with myself to be what other people want me to be or expect me to be, or what I want to be or expect myself to be. Sometimes our biggest struggles are not with others, it’s within us.

Acknowledging through Reflection – No one can rewrite history. You cannot change the past. I think a highly sensitive person however has abilities to learn not only from their own mistakes but also other peoples mistakes by reflecting. One of the best things during this past year since my husband left has been reflection and acknowledging. What mistakes did I make in our marriage? What mistakes did he make in our marriage? How does this turn into a positive, whether we are divorced or we get back together? I’ve acknowledged the mistakes I have made in the marriage. I’ve been working on those mistakes. I’m not perfect; I’m a work in progress. Reflect, Acknowledge, and React.

Know Your Limits – In my reflection I realized my limits. I can recount almost all the situations in which I got sensory overload, not just in my marriage but in my childhood and even my work. Exam time when I was going to school was literally exhausting for me. The word “test” or “exam” and I would go into sensory overload. I would work myself up into a frenzy over an exam. Not just school exams, driving exams. I always flew through them…accept math but I remember the feeling after exams were over and done with I was literally exhausted. I would need a calm quiet place to relieve the overload. In my marriage, a wedding, a baby, and moving to Japan was a sensory overload. One day my husband as I was writing in my journal said “please don’t leave me I can’t do this tour by myself.” I wasn’t planning on leaving, I was rejuvenating myself. He won’t ever see that, until he accepts me for who I am. I never planned on leaving him, I just required moments to step back and take a breather. When I was working full time, going to school full time, being a mom to two kids and having a husband that worked nights…then my mom got sick and within two months died, and on top of it having financial struggles. Can we say sensory overload? During this time of my life this went on for 9 solid months. I knew then that my “tower” was getting overloaded and if one more things got piled on, the tower was going to come tumbling down. The extra block to the tower was my mom getting sick. The child, who carried the weight on her shoulders, was now adult. The problems, the issues, got bigger. I spread myself too thin, because I had taken on the mind set of my husband ”just do it.” I was so worried about everyone else, I neglected one person, me. After my mom died I can define me in one word, “exhausted.” Emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally exhausted.

When I came back home after mom died, I did not allow myself a break. I went straight back to work….jumping right back into life. I sort of lasted for a year…working at half my normal. In 2007, the snap that I am sure everyone was expecting and had seen coming happened. Did I go crazy? No. I just simply stopped. To my husband I quit. To me it was something I needed to do to regain my composure—rejuvenate to be there for my family. Was there depression involved with this? Yes there was.

In reading about highly sensitive people they are often more attuned to smells, sounds, touch, taste, and sight. Literally their senses are so much greater. For instance, after my mom died we had moved all of her stuff into our garage (yet another sensory overload). As I was going through her stuff a little at a time, a year or so after her death I came across her items that were in the hospital with her. I pulled out a garment, her housecoat and instantly the smell of the hospital over powered my nose. No one else could smell it. Just the smell of the lingering hospital room took me to a place I wasn’t trying to forget but it brought back a memory I didn’t really like. I washed the item and there was still a hint of hospital…I threw the garment away. Just that smell brought on a low for me.

What even got me lower, was how my husband treated the whole situation of mom being sick, mom dying and the after. He may have felt he was being supportive, but his words were not. I was expected to get over everything at the drop of a hat. I was angry, hurt, worried about my mom, missing my mom and yes I blamed myself. His response was “just let it go, you had no control over what she did.” In my mind, I was thinking, “I could have done more. I could have come home more. I would have been able to see more.”

One night a couple weeks before mom died, I actually went into a hysterics. I was on the phone with my aunt. Something inside me triggered. Mom was 1500 miles away in the hospital. I got a feeling of sadness and even severe pain. I thought at 28 years old I was having a heart attack. Turns out when I went to the doctor it was just a panic attack. However, it was something more. That very night was the night my mom started giving in to the cancer. She was in pain, she had requested morphine. It was also the night she had horrible dreams of someone coming to get her. Mom did not tell me what was going on; she kept me in the dark about her illness as long as she could. One of my traits has been, I know when something is wrong, because I feel it. I just chalked it to us being mother and daughter. That night I said to my aunt, “she’s dying, I feel it. She just gave up.” My husband looked at me like I was crazy. The next day when I called the doctor (who was a stand in doctor because her doctor was on vacation), said to me, “she’s fine, I don’t even know why she is in palliative care, you have nothing to worry about. She could go on for another 6 months to a year or even more.” I literally saw red when he said that. My senses were working overtime, and this joker is telling me he doesn’t see anything wrong with my mother. I told him, “I’m telling you she’s going to be gone in a matter of weeks, it’s coming I feel it.” I’m not the crazy one, but I was made to feel that my senses, my predictions were nothing by a lot of people. I think honestly, that was the hardest part for me, I tried to remain positive, there are miracles every day, but my senses were working overtime.

The Senses of a Highly Sensitive Person:

Sounds - What you don’t hear…I hear. I have always had a huge problem with background sounds. If someone is in the car with me and the radio is low, that person can be talking right beside me and the radio not bug them because it’s so low….I don’t hear them, I hear the radio. I will hear a buzzing light (which is really annoying by the way) and no one else hears it. Our bathroom fan will sound like it is right beside my ear. I very rarely turn it on. For a lot of years my husband would get so ticked at me, because I wouldn’t hear him. “You don’t hear me, but you hear that noise…something is wrong with you.” yeah it’s that stupid clicking sound the ceiling fan is making…it drowns you out…someone left the bathroom fan on…I hear it from the other side of the house. My son has a habit of tapping on things, it’s a little quirk of his….it drives my ears bonkers. I feel bad because when I ask him to stop he will say “I wasn’t doing anything.”…I know buddy, but it’s the only thing I hear. Even he looks at me like I am crazy. He’s not doing anything; he’s just being a kid. Sounds are so amplified for me.

Smells – This one is not as bad for me, but it still can be bothersome. Certain scents like perfumes or candles will bring on a headache because they are so overpowering. I have on occasion said “ugh what is that smell?” and friends or family will respond, “I don’t smell anything.”

Sight – For as long as I can remember and despite requiring a prescription for correction, I have been accused of having “eyes like a hawk.” I also have a tendency to not see something right in front of me. I’ll find a bolt in a field of grass…I won’t see the silly paper towels sitting right in front of me. My husband has said I’m not observant. “You didn’t see that?” nope…saw everything else but that. I’ve also been accused of being a scatterbrain.

Taste – If it’s good it’s real good, if it’s bad…it’s real bad. I cannot pick out every single ingredient in a recipe. I remember shortly after my husband and I separated I was dropping the kids off at his apartment he had supper going and invited me in. He made spaghetti. I took one bite and I didn’t want to be rude so I eat as much as I could. Who puts clam sauce in spaghetti sauce? I am a picky eater because of my sense of taste…and yes smell.

Touch – Touch for me is important. It can also be my worst nightmare. I don’t know how many times someone has come up to me and bumped into me or poked me and I jump out of my skin. I can’t stand to be tickled. Knees are the worst. I remember when my children were babies and their little fingers so soft and delicate. When they would pull up to me and stand there babbling away they would touch a part of my knee that literally sends chills up my spine. I had to train myself not to respond cause my kiddos would end up across the room when my reflexes would kick in (they didn’t don’t worry). Cotton balls drive me nuts and I use them every day at my work, but honestly I can’t stand touching the things. Touching cotton balls for me is like nails on a chalk board, I literally get goose bumps. Where I use cottons balls everyday in my work, I have trained myself not to be as bothered by them. They still annoy me though. Wool…can’t stand too itchy.

The 80 Percent That Aren’t Highly Sensitive:

It’s hard to understand a highly sensitive person, if you do not know about them. It’s foreign, it’s not you therefore you don’t understand. I have some advice for those who do not understand a highly sensitive person. Deal with it and accept it (that’s what you will tell a highly sensitive person to do). Accept a person for who they are; not what you want them to be. I guarantee a highly sensitive person has all ready accepted you for who you are. I don’t know why my husband lines up his French fries….he just does. I don’t know why he has have the bumble bee in his butt all the time….he just does. That is who he is.

I believe if my husband and I had both been willing to acknowledge, understand, accept and react to the type of person I was…whether through therapy or finding ways ourselves to not only help me but help him, we would not have been separated and we would not be going through a divorce. We are both two very stubborn people. However, it takes respect, acceptance and working together. A highly sensitive individual and a person who is not highly sensitive can be a couple. Ignorance is not bliss.

For those who do not understand the make-up of a highly sensitive person, they will view and judge the person as being lazy, a dreamer, needy, selfish, non maternal, uncaring, uncompassionate, reserved, a recluse, crazy, drama driven, submissive etc. These things just aren’t true. It can appear that way, but when a person understands it they will see just the opposite.

The highly sensitive person will bring enrichment to your life. Chances are a highly sensitive person is all ready your mate. I have found in being separated the things that attract someone to their mate are the very things that will make them fall out of love. Opposites always attract. Two type A personalities will never mesh, Two type B personalities will never mesh. Two highly sensitive people will never mesh. Two non - sensitive people will never mesh.

Reacting to a Highly Sensitive Person

No, you do not have to walk on eggshells around a highly sensitive person. It may seem like you have to, but it’s really quite simple. Thank them; take notice of what they do. My husband has said to me often, “I am not responsible for someone else’s self-esteem.” He’s right and he is wrong. We as individuals are responsible for our own self esteem. I know he felt I had self esteem issues. I thought I had self esteem issues. That is not the case. This year alone without him and me being in tune to MYSELF and learning all about myself has truly been a blessing in disguise. I never wanted a divorce and quite honestly I still don’t want a divorce. A partner is responsible for a certain portion of self esteem in their partner. One of our biggest problems was him acknowledging what I did. “I spent all day cleaning the house.” His response, “yeah, I see that.” Me……..and??? When I told him my feelings he would say “What? Do you want me to throw a party?” For me this was an instant low. Whatever…. We as humans like to hear, kudos, job well done, thank you. That is not just a highly sensitive issue. I have yet to meet a human that responds positive to negative.

So what do you do?

Accept – the person for who they are.

Be considerate – All humans have feelings. Obviously you do too, because the highly sensitive person is more than likely driving you crazy.

Rephrase – “Don’t let it bother you.” “Don’t let it get to you so much.” Those types of phrases are a huge put down and even the highly sensitive person is guilty of saying something like this to people. Certain things that don’t bother me, I am guilty of saying to people “don’t let it bother you so much.” Even me as a highly sensitive person is learning what I say, how I say it can make that other person feel a negative way.

Change Your View -- If you know a person that is highly sensitive don’t get angry at them…accept them. If they slip off to a quiet place during a party…it’s not that they are being anti-social…we are getting sensory overload. We’re fine honestly….we just need a little break.

Don’t over Kill – Don’t keep asking a highly sensitive person you are with “are you ok?” when you are out with them. “Do we need to go?” You’re putting the spotlight on me…turn it off. Ask me once if I am ok. Or state, “let me know when you are ready and we will go.” Cause guess what I am going to tell you when I want to go and if I have to wait 20 extra minutes while you are saying goodbyes….I’m going to overload. Add two kids that are whiney and cranky in the backseat…overload time will be cut considerable shorter.

I’m not fragile—Don’t treat me like some delicate flower or vase…or your grandmother’s fine china. I am seriously not that breakable.

Give Me My Space – Don’t hover. I just need a break.

Respect – Respect me for who I am.

From one Highly Sensitive Person to Another

For so long I thought there was always something wrong with me because I was not like everyone else. I don’t think like everyone else, I don’t react like everyone else; therefore something must be wrong with me. At 33 years of age, I am finally accepting me for who I am, learning how to deal with myself, learning how to curb that sensory overload. I’m a work in progress. It’s not always easy.

In this journey I am finding getting back to basics and getting back to me is what helps. I’ve always known who I am…I just tried to change to fit in with other people so they would respect me and accept me. Some days I get it right on the money….some days I don’t. None of us get it exactly right. If I don’t get it right today, I have another chance tomorrow.

I’d rather be me, because the view from where I am standing is absolutely breathtaking.